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Crazy Ass Dream.


Starts off in a large room with several hot tubs, the floor is covered in water about knee deep, rich fancy, Egyptian themed.  I am sitting in a hot tub with my best friend and my boyfriend, as in most of my dreams they don’t match the looks of what they look like in real life I just know it is them.  I know this room is in the upstairs of my house where my brothers room is right now.  For some reason the whole dream seems familiar as though I have had the dream before.  I even remember asking my boyfriend if he was going to kill my best friend.  My best friend in the dream is someone I do not recognize, she is no one that I can relate to a person in my real life. rather only know that she is my best friend.  I walk downstairs after being in the hot tub room and start to call all of the big guys that I know because my best friend and I decide that we don’t feel safe and need someone else up there with us.  Before I use the phone I walk over to the entrance of the pool house and see that there is a party going on the only faces I can make out are my mother’s my manager’s from work and a school friend of mine, Mike.  I stand in front of the glass doors and realize that I am naked.  I cover up with my hands as Mike laughs and waives.  I then walk back into the kitchen and grab the phone, I dial only 1248 (my area code) before my best friend’s (in real life) dad picks up the phone.  I hang up on him because it isn’t who I wanted to call. I wanted to get a hold of my friend Rocky who is a large foot ball player looking man.  I stumble around down stairs for a bit longer and then go back upstairs seeming to have forgotten my purpose of finding protection for my best friend and I.  I walk upstairs and meet my boyfriend on the middle of the stairs and I already know he has killed her.  For some reason he has taken the form of a woman about my age wearing jeans and my middle school softball hoodie, yet as in most of my dreams I know its him.  I have a brief conversation with him.  I cant recall the exact words but I remember asking “Has it happened yet?” and him answering “Maybe” and then the voice of a childhood friend’s mother enters my dream and says as if she was a narrator “She looked down and saw the girl take her last shuddering breath and her eyes roll into her skull”  and then I tell him to get the fuck home and he leaves I call the cops and say only this “My boyfriend just killed my best friend”  and they say “We will take care of it” I don’t believe them.  I don’t remember dragging the body in the dream but I know I did it because the body is now laying in the middle of my set of stairs.  I walk downstairs and tell my mother about what happened.  She is not helpful.  Rather cold and mean about it.  My manager from McDonalds is the same way.  After a little while they actually do start to console me and my sister comes down stairs saying nothing of the dead body on it.  As I felt the familiarity of the dream so did all of the characters in it and seemed to represent what was going on a normal or reoccurring thing.  Suddenly the dream just jumps and I’m at school or something like it.  We are learning how to wash windows on scaffolding, but the scaffolding is just a piece of board on some string.  My friend Stacey (who does look like herself) is on the bored. Rather than washing the windows she is washing the board and saying that she is having so much fun.  Then the dream skips again and I’m walking around a flea market.  I suddenly have the idea that I need to go to Pontiac.  I start walking and enter a neighbor hood and then a play ground.  A kid from my high school that I dislike in real life comes around the corner and I say hi to him and he hands me a handful of cheetos.  I tell him I’m going to Pontiac and I don’t know how to get there. He tells me to go back the way I came and go through the biggest intersection.  I turn around to find myself face to face with a bunch of ghetto kids.  I recognize only one as my friend Cody, also from work.  He gives me directions and I walk off back toward the flea market.  I find the intersections all blocked by the large market. I feel like I’m in a videogame, where you can’t go past certain barriers.  I find a way through the flea market and into the intersection I needed to go.  I meet a bunch of kids on the other side, none of them I know, some of them faces of kids from school that I don’t know.  I tell them I’m going to Pontiac and some boy offers to drive me.  I say okay and the dream skips to me being inside my best friend’s (in real life) mini van.  I find myself calling her and telling her what happened with my boyfriend and my “best friend”  she tells me not to beat myself up over it and just like everyone else in the dream undermines the severity of the situation.  Suddenly rather than being on the phone with me she is in the back seat.  The boy is still driving and I have the notion in the dream that the van is still my best friends, I was just borrowing it and letting the boy drive it.  She is in the back seat with a laptop with a small screen on it to the side that flips out.  It is playing a home movie looking thing with children in it.  I tell her of how I called the cops on my boyfriend and how he was probably in jail by now and would probably break up with me for telling on him.  For some reason through out the dream even though I could feel how bad the situation was it had the air of a fight that we would just get over eventually.  I don’t remember much from this point, or maybe this is all that happened.  I’m suddenly standing with my supervisor at the theatre I work at, he’s tall so he looks down at me, I cant make out our surroundings. He says “Sorry we never told you this is a dream.” Or something along those lines and I wake up.

I don't have nightmares often, but this one I woke up in a cold sweat.  It scared the hell out of me. I mean, It's frigging hilarious now, but wow...I don't know what the fuck I ate to induce that but wow....

Managing Your Fucking Future.

Sitting in MYF. Just finished my exam. Awesome. I'm really glad to be out of this class, it really sucked.  Probably going to just barely pass. Yay. So, nine more days and I'm free.  I miss everyone that I don't see at school.  


So I wish I had some sort of life altering revelation to write about, but I'm still waiting for it.  Really the only thing I've come to understand lately is that no matter how much I may think that someone might get me, they really don't. No one really understands, and hell its probably my fault.  I'm not a clear communicator or maybe I just really don't understand myself as much I'd like to.  I guess I've really got nothing to complain about, I have an awesome boyfriend, amazing friends, a good job. But hell, I still feel like something isn't all there, maybe I'll get it eventually, maybe I won't. Thats life.  

Right now though, I'm sleepy.  I'm mentally and physically exhausted and I beleive that a good few hours of sleep in order.  Maybe that will help clear my mind some.  :)


Ten more days fucker!

Ten more days and I am home free. I had best be recieving from phone calls.


My knees hurt.

Class is over.


Look who forgot to block LJ!

Haha, the school didn't block Livejournal...Only a matter of time though probably.

So I'm grounded.  I was over at Bobby's house instead of school and the parents found out, needless to say, they were pissed.  Grounded for a month...Laaaammmeeee.

Working an ass load at two jobs making money....Aweeesssooommmmeeeee

Need a new car.....Laaaaammmmeeeeee

Miss my friends...Laaammmeeee

Super miss my boyfriend....Laaaammmeeeee 

I'm at school....Laaammmmeee

Nipples heald....Aweeesssooommmmeeee.

Done with this entry...Aweessssooommmeee.

These are sketches found in a drawer of John's desk. They are the closest we got to finding a suicide note.

I've got a good job,
I've got friends,
I'm healthy,
I'm young,
I am not poor,
Not hearbroken,
I've got no reason to do this,
I don't feel any existential pain or agony,

Apart from the ingrown toenail maybe.


I've got everything I need -
Something is missing, however
I've got no clue,
I guess I have to go
And search some other place to find it.

I get my coat.


Life's a bitch and then you die and it's over.
I'll skip the bitch and proceed immediately.


Happiness is a warm gun.
Let good barrels smoke.


I'm breeding like a pig
Skinning myself over and over again
I produce ceaselessly
Growing hair
Gaining weight
Breathing in
And out
Jerking off sperm
My cells are dieing every second
And they keep reproducing themselves
I can hear them grow
There is constant construction work going on.
But nothing ever happens.
It's leading nowhere


Death, thou shalt not be proud.
I fuck you in the ass.

Wow, found in a guys desk after he commited suicide...thats different. 


So....Things that are different:


Second....Got the nipples pierced...awesome.

Third....Back in school...pretty lame.

Ever just get the feeling that its fucking hopeless?  I know, I'm seventeen and there are plenty of men out there and someday I'll ride off into the sunset with the man of my dreams and live happily ever after...But ya know what? It's getting hard to believe.  For a year now I've had not one serious relationship that I can count anywhere near "meaningful". 

Its like, I just keep trying to figure out what the hell is so wrong with me.  I know, I'm fat...I've been told numerous times by numerous people...I know, I'm a fucking goof ball, I don't take a hell of a lot of things seriously and I'm sarcastic, and not a normal girl at all. I watch professional wrestling, hate hanging out with other girls because I hate drama.  I don't where normal clothes, my pants hang off my ass and a million sizes too big, my body just kind of hangs there like a boys, I don't have huge tits, I have a deep voice, I'd rather own a motorcycle than a BMW. Money means nothing to me...Shit am I really that horrible of a person?

I don't fit the mold, okay I get it.

But why should that mean that the only people that are interested in me are just pretending to be interested becuase I have a heartbeat and a vagina? It's not fucking fair. 

I could outsmart, and have more fun than half of these fucking big boobed blond haired sluts out here...

Shit dude...

Maybe Lief really was the only person out there who could put up with me for than a week....

Sometimes, I hate myself.

My Insane Weekend

Cedar Point is heaven on earth, I have concluded this after staying there the entire day on Friday.  I woke up at six o'clock in the morning, Rafe picked me up at 6:30.  Me, Dana, Rafe, Terrance, and Kimm all piled into a volkswagon.  We pissed off some guy driving next to us so bad that he threw a bottle of Vitamin Water at our car.  It was rediculus.  We ate at some weird ass truck stop in the middle of nowhere called the Iron Skillet.  Then it was on to Sandusky.  We got there around 11:30.  So the thing is that I'm not supposed to ride huge rides becuase of my heart conditions but I ended up riding one of the most agressive coasters in the park for my first roller coaster ever.  We got on the Raptor and I friggin loved it.  Then it we went on Max Air, then The Iron Dragon then Dana, Rafe and Terrance walked to Millenium force and kimm and went to the petting zoo.  I PETTED A GOAT :) so then we went on the water rides got soaked and then decided we were hungry.  Kimm and I got henna tattos first so i have angel wings on my shoulder blades.  So we went out to the car and ate lunch and then Terrance, Dana, and i went back to the park and rode the corkscrew and the mantis and the raptor again. it was so much fun. 


"Lets Flash People" -Me (and we flashed half of i-75)

"You rode six rides if you count rafe" -Terrance

"Thats what she said" -Terrance


"Whats wrong Rafe? Hit your windshield?" -Me

Then yesterday I went to the Fray concert with Jordan that was amusing, ended up drinking with his brother most of the night.  Other than that the concert kinda blew.  

Now I'm supposed to be getting ready to go to my dads house and later tonight its to nicks to summer slam.  and I get to see matty and listen to his crazy good night he had last night.  

Flordia day after tomarrow, wah hoo.

I dont think you understand.

I know I've been an ass to a lot of people lately.

If you are one of those people just know that I really am sorry and I really am not trying to do it on purpose.

The end.

Cheesy, but yeah, its how i feel.

This morning Lief showed up at my house, holding a stuffed panda that i had given him when we were together.  It was different, cus when i saw him i didnt run and tackle him, i didnt hug him i didnt even touch him he just handed me the stuffed toy that has too many things to count linked with it.  It felt good, it felt good to talk and not yell, it felt good to shake his hand and say bye. Mostly it just felt good not to hurt anymore.

Closure feels so damn good.  Its over, finally its fucking over,  I can breathe again, and it doesnt hurt to do so.

Breathe, trust, bless me and release,
Climb, hard or never be seen.
Closed off, rescue to breathe.
Just bless me.

Two sided time,
Your rebirth can't hurt,
Branch out behind, the pain.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.

Had to to turn, lay down,
Your sting of disease.
Phase you out, should've seen this coming.
Go on confusing the soul,
Hold my breath 'til you rupture.

Three days aside,
Your rebirth can't hurt,
Branch out behind, pride.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.

Like a leach,
I hold on as if we belonged,
To some precious pure dream.
Cast off, you've seen what's beneath,
Now fail me.

Forget closure,
Forget closure,
Forget closure,
Forget closure.

Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.
Closure has come to me myself,
You will never belong to me.

Funny thing is that i thought it would hurt, i thought i would break my heart all over again to see him, but it didnt, all i felt was good, and happy that it was over, something i havent ever felt in eight months of just missing the hell out of him...but i dont anymore.  hes not the guy that i fell in love with, and its all over.

Latest Month

December 2007